Surprise! A week later I actually got an e-mail from Number Five himself, but I was rather confused/perturbed/concerned by its contents. It read as follows: "Last Thursday I sent out two e-mails regarding signing up for advising appointments to fill out the pre-graduation Audit Form. My records show you have not yet signed up for an appointment time. As you are a fourth-year and you need this form to graduate, it is very important that you do so." OH REALLY? IS IT IMPORTANT? Because my slew of e-mails and visits to you and the Spanish office seem to indicate that it's really unimportant to me.
I clicked on the link to the online advising appointment website where (theoretically) a student can see their advisor's available meeting times and sign up for an appointment. Only when I clicked on it, it took me to a web page with a blank calendar, a drag-down menu of "Other Advisors" with absolutely no names I recognized, and a big fat "N/A" next to the "Available Appointment Times." Fantastic.
I frantically e-mailed Number Five explaining why I still hadn't signed up for an appointment time, and the Spanish secretary once again responded for him, confirming that although Number Five is listed as my advisor on the SIS (which should stand for "Satanic and Inane Soulkiller"), the advising website, for some reason, does not acknowledge that I have an advisor. (So really, the advising website is the most perceptive and accurate component in this mess, since I basically haven't had a real "advisor" since...well, never, really. I guess Advisor Number Three was alright.)
I was still laughing maniacally (preferable to crying in instances of mini nervous breakdowns) when I received another e-mail from Number Five (more e-mails in a week than we exchanged in the last year...It's like Christmas!), this time regarding my SIS account. He suggested that, if and when I contact the "SIS people" (like I know who's responsible for that monstrosity or how to contact them) I should inquire as to why my SIS record, out of all the others, is the only one without my year in school listed in my "box." Apparently all Number Five's other advisees have "First Year," "Second Year," etc. marked on their records, but my year box is mysteriously blank. (By the way, this is the second time I've been told there's something anomalous about my SIS account, only the first time Gloria told me it was my ID number that was wonky. Also, back then it was a different system called ISIS.)
I am newly frustrated and, frankly, at a loss of whom I should contact at this point. I'm tempted to stand in the middle of campus with a megaphone and a giant banner that reads, "CAN YOU HELP ME GRADUATE? WILL YOU SIGN THIS FORM?" and hope that someone of authority sees me and actually tells me what the hell is going on. Or I could just turn in a petition full of signatures supporting my graduation instead of a signed Audit Form.