- Minute 1: Ricky Gervais opens the night with jokes about drinking, Charlie Sheen, Scientology, and The Tourist. (At least we think he was joking about the Hollywood Foreign Press accepting bribes in exchange for nominating The Tourist…)
- Minute 4: Everyone cringes when Ricky Gervais gets way too graphic with a joke about Hugh Hefner’s anatomy.
- Minute 5: Alec Baldwin looks like he would rather be having an enema.
- Minute 7: Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor. The majority of people watching realize for the first time that he is actually British (and not Batman). His speech starts out surprisingly not-crazy, then takes a turn for bitter before Bale starts blatantly disregarding the “please wrap up” music until they cut him off and go to a commercial.
- Minute 14: Katey Sagal (you might remember her from the Disney Channel Original Movie Smart House…or, you know, her hit sitcom Married…With Children) wins Best Actress in a TV Drama.
- Minute 22: Ricky Gervais makes a joke about Bruce Willis being Ashton Kutcher’s father, then flees from the stage before Bruce Willis can kill him with his pinky toe.
- Minute 26: Tron star Garrett Hedlund's voice is so hypnotic and wonderful that I forget what category he’s presenting.
- Minute 28: Glee star Chris Colfer wins TV’s Best Supporting Actor and the entire cast of Glee jumps for joy! Chris' speech is humble, charming, heartfelt, and hopeful. He deserves this win since he and his father are the only good parts of this mediocre-at-best-blatantly-superficial-at-worst season of Glee.
- Minute 34: Ricky Gervais makes fun of how old the president of the HFPA is. (He really is old, though.) President Berk takes the stage and makes a (thankfully) brief speech, mumbling something about finding a new host for next year.
- Minute 39: As usual, Bryan Cranston ruins my predicted ballot once again, only this time it's because I actually did pick him to win and he somehow doesn't. (I forgot, this is the Globes, not the Emmys.) Instead, Steve Buscemi wins for Boardwalk Empire and makes a funny speech, as he is prone to do.
- Minute 40: Boardwalk Empire wins Best Drama Series. I was rooting for The Good Wife or The Walking Dead, but I'm still pretty pleased because at least it's not Mad Men. Plus I get to watch executive producer Mark Wahlberg stand onstage while some rando gives his acceptance speech.
- Minute 45: Andrew Garfield does the only thing that could make him even more adorable: He stumbles inexplicably on the word “inspiringly,” proving to the world that—despite his angelic appearance and demeanor—he actually is human.
- Minute 52: Nine Inch Nails singer Trent Reznor wins for Best Score (The Social Network) and gives a brief, elegant speech. Also, he’s more well-groomed than Al Pacino. Who saw that coming?
- Minute 56: True Grit’s Hailee Steinfeld and Justin Bieber present the award for Best Animated Film and the world almost implodes from the amount of underage talent on the stage.
- Minute 61: And now presenting: The part of the evening where Ricky Gervais drinks onstage.
- Minute 63: Robert Downey Jr. describes the night so far as “mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones.”
- Minute 67: Annette Bening wins Best Actress in a Comedy for The Kids Are All Right and thanks her co-star and co-nominee Julianne Moore first, making us love her even more.
- Minute 68: OH MY GOD AL PACINO'S HAIR. Sorry Annette, no one is listening to your speech anymore because we’re too busy choking on our beverages.
- Minute 73: Ricky Gervais makes a funny joke about Sylvester Stallone’s lack of diversity in his acting roles. (“A boxer…and Rambo.”)
- Minute 76: Tilda Swinton is either wearing a fancy bathrobe or a really long button-down dress shirt as she presents the nominees for Best Actor and Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie, which include “The Pillars of the Eaaaaghth.”
- Minute 79: Al Pacino’s hair takes the stage, gives a speech. Pacino blinks “help me” in Morse code because clearly his hair is actually some alien parasite that has taken control of his body.
- Minute 82: Claire Danes wins Best Actress in a Mini-Series for her role in Temple Grandin. We get a glimpse of the real Temple Grandin, who’s rocking her usual uptown cowgirl look.
- Minute 85: Helena Bonham Carter (nominated for her role in The King’s Speech) reminds you just how great her performance as a plain British monarch was by dressing like her usual self, which is to say, looking like a bridesmaid at Marilyn Manson's wedding.
- Minute 88: Ricky Gervais introduces “the ungrateful Steve Carell.” Oh, how we enjoy their faux rivalry.
- Minute 90: Steve Carell makes the first joke about losing an arm! (Á la James Franco in 127 Hours.) I honestly didn’t think we would make it this far into the ceremony before hearing that joke.
- Minute 92: Aaron Sorkin wins Best Screenplay for The Social Network and no one is surprised. But more importantly, WE GET TO SEE ANOTHER SHOT OF ARMIE HAMMER AND HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE.
- Minute 97: Partial Avengers meeting onstage: Chris Hemsworth (Thor) and Chris Evans (Captain America) present Best Supporting Actress in a TV Comedy.
- Minute 99: Glee’s Jane Lynch wins Best Supporting Actress and gives a hilarious “falsely humble” speech, thanking everyone from Glee, and her wife and family.
- Minute 104: Olivia Wilde’s dress sparkles like the broody, lovesick vampire played by her co-presenter Robert Pattinson in the Twilight movies.
- Minute 108: Presenter Kaley Cuoco gets really, really excited for her Big Bang Theory costar Jim Parsons when she announces his win for Best Actor in a Comedy Series.
- Minute 110: Melissa Leo wins Best Actress in a Drama for The Fighter and demonstrates great exuberance during her acceptance speech, a welcome relief from the stoic Botox-icity of usual Hollywood awards shows.
- Minute 111: Random shot of Bryan Cranston looking sweaty during Melissa Leo’s acceptance speech.
- Minute 114: Matt Damon makes a cute joke about not knowing who Robert De Niro was before The Good Shepherd.
- Minute 121: De Niro montage! Which is curiously devoid of any references to Meet The Parents, Meet the Fockers, or Little Fockers.
- Minutes 122-135: Everyone basks in the wonder of Robert De Niro and his fantastic body of work.
- Minute 136: De Niro makes a joke, and absolutely no one in the world laughs except Robert Downey Jr. (Seriously, just look at this.)
- Minute 138: Angelina Jolie makes apologetic looks while people pretend to clap for The Tourist as it is presented for Best Comedy/Musical.
- Minute 142: David Fincher wins Best Director for The Social Network! I am thrilled, if only because it means we get to see more shots of Andrew Garfield and Armie Hammer smiling in celebration.
- Minute 145: Glee wins (undeservedly) for Best Comedy/Musical Series. Chaos breaks out as a third of the audience climbs onto the stage. Their acceptance speech includes a lovely shout-out to all the public school teachers out there who really don’t get enough credit. The whole cast is so cute and excited that we almost forgive them for their misguided second season.
- Minute 147: I make noises of disgust and go get a glass of water while they present the clip for Best Picture nominee Black Swan.
- Minute 150: Paul Giamatti wins for Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical for his role in Barney's Version (which no one saw), beating Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, and two other guys.
- Minute 151: Jake Gyllenhaal chuckles adorably at the implication that he is a “superior” actor to Paul Giamatti.
- Minute 153: Joseph Gordon-Levitt reminds us once again that he’s no longer that little kid from Angels in the Outfield and 3rd Rock From the Sun by looking dashing in his suit while presenting Inception for Best Picture (Drama).
- Minute 157: Natalie Portman wins Best Actress for Black Swan (ugh) and makes a joke about her costar fiancé not wanting to sleep with her character in the movie. (Get it??? It’s funny cause she’s pregnant! Ha ha ha ha NOT.)
- Minute 160: Ricky Gervais makes a mean (but slightly entertaining) joke at Tim Allen’s expense. Home Improvement fans all over the country rally to Tim Allen’s defense.
- Minute 165: Everyone is so drunk by now that Gervais can’t even quiet them down long enough to introduce Sandra Bullock and her bangs.
- Minute 168: COLIN FIRTH FTW!!! The wonderful Brit takes what is rightfully his: the Best Actor trophy. The words “triangle of man love” escape his lips during his acceptance speech.
- Minute 172: Everyone stands and cheers for Michael Douglas (who just recovered from cancer) for what feels like twenty minutes.
- Minute 179: The Social Network wins Best Picture! HOORAY! More of Andrew Garfield and Armie Hammer! Yet somehow Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg are inexplicably not onstage when the producer starts giving his speech. This is quickly remedied when Jesse picks up Andrew from his chair and the world squeals with glee.