I’ve spent the past three years preparing myself, molding myself into the perfect EW apprentice. I’ve watched hundreds of hours of television (specifically those shows recommended by EW writer Michael Ausiello*, AKA the Aus-some TV Guru, AKA my idol (*sponsored by Snapple). I boned up on my pop culture knowledge, my movie trivia, and I amped up my Oscar obsession by approximately seven notches. (FYI: 1 notch = 12 toggles = 108 degrees Kelvin.) At this point, I think I actually watch over 50% of all television shows that air in primetime. (Please, hold your applause until the end of this diatribe.) I then channeled this large influx of useless knowledge into a series of YouTube videos in which my co-host (or cohort, if you will) and I discuss, analyze, and parody all things relating to television, movies, and pop culture in general. I am proud to say we have over 550 followers on our Twitter account. (And EW writer Annie Barrett is one of them! My life is complete!)
I have had to make some sacrifices in my life in order to acquire such extensive knowledge and experience of the entertainment world as would make me a worthy contender to work for Entertainment Weekly. These sacrifices have been primarily social (who has time to go to parties when you’re busy catching up on four seasons of Friday Night Lights?) and academic (my priorities are very clear: TV comes before GPA). Nonetheless, I’ll be graduating in December, and I had planned on applying for the spring internship program at EW. Then I saw this:
Sadly, there is not. (If the world was just and fair, Veronica Mars would still be on TV, and Two and a Half Men wouldn't have gotten seven seasons.)
I know what you’re thinking: What’s the big deal? I’m applying for the spring internship, and he’s there in the summer. Why can’t we share my dream internship? Well...you have a point. But really, are the folks at EW going to take two interns from the same university in one year? And our school is not the only thing that Grady (the student/intern in question, who I should mention seemed like a perfectly nice person the one time I met him) and I have in common. According to his YouTube video about why he should be an EW intern, he shares my love of Lost, the nineties, and Annie Barrett! Oh, and did I mention I’ve met this kid? (And by “kid” I mean person of my same age.) He lived in my building freshman year. I WATCHED TOP CHEF WITH THIS GUY IN THE COMMON ROOM! And now he’s working at EW while I’m still daydreaming about Michael Ausiello one day reading the unofficial Veronica Mars movie script my friend and I wrote. To quote my favorite terrible movie, The Room, “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!” (In this instance, “Lisa” is referring to the Universe as a whole.)
I am not deterred by this slight obstacle along my path to greatness. Mark my words, fair reader: I shall be avenged! This internship will be mine, if not by legal means, then through some kind of less-than-legitimate scheme involving identity theft and possibly gender reassignment surgery. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.