Sadly, this was not a victory year for me. I lost the Oscar Crown (awarded to the honoree who predicts the most Oscar winners) to my mother for the second year in a row, despite the fact that I have seen more of the nominated films than she has, read more Oscar articles and blogs than she has, and I have a much more meticulously organized system for my Oscar ballot. Also, she hasn't even seen Avatar. I am ashamed to say I walked away with only 15 out of 24 categories correct, however, I was pleased with the way things went overall. Let's break down the winners and losers, shall we?
WINNER: Kathryn Bigelow becomes the first female to win an Oscar for Best Director.
As both a woman and a disgruntled James Cameron hater ("hate" is a strong word... I would say I find his arrogance and general demeanor extremely annoying), I was very excited to see Bigelow take home the statue for The Hurt Locker, which is now the lowest grossing Best Picture ever. Hear that, Avatar? You can take your "record-breaking" (don't get me started on the issue of inflation and 3-D ticket prices) multi-billion dollar box office gross and shove it. Money can't buy you a Best Picture title.
LOSER: Sarah Jessica Parker's dress. And face.
My hatred for SJP is completely unwarranted and irrational, but I can't help it. I can't watch her movies (with the exception of Hocus Pocus, for obvious reasons), but even without my personal bias I would still recognize that her Oscar gown looked like a middle schooler's Shop project slash Home Ec project. Her hair-do did nothing to help her, pulling her face so that she looked positively skeletal. Note to SJP: Eat a cookie and put down the spray tan.
Let's face it, Meryl could show up at the Oscars high on six kinds of psychotropes, wearing a dead deer carcass and a "George Bush for 2012!" button and still be a Winner. Meryl is a goddess, and everything she does is gold. She broke her own record (again) this year for most acting nominations with her 16th for Julie & Julia. By the way, Academy, the last time Meryl won was 27 years ago. She's now 0 for 12 since then. Kindly remedy this egregious oversight on your parts.
LOSER: Screenplay winners.
I know it seems odd that the "winners" are Losers, but I was quite disappointed by the upsets in the screenplay categories. Yes, Precious was a great film, but the acting carried it, and I was really hoping the Adapted Screenplay Oscar would go to the amazing Up In The Air which got exactly zero awards. In honor of this and the aforementioned injustices, I will announce the winners of the new Oscar categories I have created:
Best Transformation From Tertiary Twilight Character To Oscar-Nominated Clooney Costar: Anna Kendrick
She went from teen vampire romance to Oscar nominee in a matter of months--not an easy feat. Also, she successfully maintained her cool when accosted by E! "reporter" Giuliana Rancic (I swear, anyone can be an entertainment reporter these days... Is there no dignity left in celebrity voyeurism?) at the Golden Globes. Rancic did not even try to feign interest in Kendrick past her gown, and instead openly tried to use her to get an interview with the cleverly evasive George Clooney. Rancic lost interest in Kendrick when she wouldn't play along, and the camera cut away as Rancic chased after Clooney, shouting at his date in Italian. I'm not kidding. Look it up on YouTube.
Best Impression--I'mma Let You Finish--of Kanye West: Crazy Lady Who Apparently Co-Produced Music By Prudence
There was definitely a WTF moment when, halfway through the acceptance speech of the nice man who picked up the trophy for Best Documentary Short, some seemingly random woman hustled onto stage and tried to commandeer the microphone from him. He did not surrender his space (or his Oscar).
Best Bow Tie: Ryan Reynolds
Have you seen him?
Best Use of Neil Patrick Harris in a Musical Number: Academy Awards
This was a close race, considering his wonderful performance in How I Met Your Mother several weeks ago, but ultimately he was best-utilized here. It would be a different story if Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog had been eligible, or if NPH had already finished his stint on Glee.
Best Acceptance Speech in the History of Speech: Sandra Bullock
Not only is Bullock amazing, she is from my hometown, and she is married to Jesse James. If anyone but her had won Best Actress, I would have been appalled on Meryl's behalf at her having been robbed yet again (you know what you did, Kate Winslet), but I am so glad Bullock pulled it off, mostly because her speech was as deserving of an award as her performance in The Blind Side. I laughed, I cried, I had a sudden urge to hug my mother, it was beautiful. Plus, bonus points for thanking Meryl in her speech and referring to her as her "lover." I'm declaring it now: Sandra is the next Meryl. Spread the word.